Chapter Four: beginning again. Again.

I wasn’t quite sure how to return to these letters even when I wanted to, but then I read the first instalment of Jess’ new newsletter and was reminded that this space was never supposed to be something I overthought so maybe I just needed to stop overthinking it.

On the 26th August- eight months to the day since my mother passed away- my brother (in law) died, too.

Even with all the words in the world, it’d be impossible for me to effectively convey to you who they both were but, my word, they were spectacular people. My mother was someone who loved actively and sincerely. She was a woman of sound advice and she had the most beautiful smile- something she offered freely and without hesitation. My brother was an ardent protector, a man of conviction, honesty and great care. What they shared is an innate generosity and a quiet and intuitive responsiveness to the needs of others.

All of this is but a drop in the ocean of who they were and all that I could say about them but I say it so that you’ll know a little of them, and because I miss them.

  إِنَّا لِلَّٰهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ ~ Indeed, from Allah we come and to Allah we return‎.

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I’ve been asked quite often lately how I am, and, whilst I love and truly appreciate the sentiment behind the asking of the question- the fact that my wellbeing is cared about enough to be asked after, I so often have no idea how to answer it. Some days how I am changes so often, and so suddenly that, as I attempt to answer the question, what might have begun as a truthful response will have turned into a lie before I’ve even finished speaking.

Grief can so easily- too easily, even- look like normality, like you’ve moved on when, really, you’re still right there. However, the act of stepping forward, however unsteadily, and at whatever pace you can manage, is wholly necessary.

Not long after my mum died, I received a letter and the words it contained felt like such a gift but one phrase in particular offered a semblance of hope and has stayed with me: 'your wonder will come’… These words told me something that I now know to be true: that, in time, the appearance of contentment and even happiness won’t always feel so deceptive, that your eyes will reopen to possibility and you won’t always feel so set apart from the rest of the world.

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A New Season So Soon…

Whenever I’m asked my favourite season, I sometimes hesitate to choose between spring and autumn, but then September comes along and I’m reminded why it is autumn, always autumn.

September brings with it the feeling of a fresh start - a renewal of sorts without the overbearing societal expectation of January 1st that that’s when we begin again. Yes, the days are shorter but the evenings feel longer, cosier and more forgiving. I’ve pulled out my jumpers and chunky scarves, and now I can finally begin to satisfy my inclination towards hibernation. It’s all felt so sudden, this transition, but so very welcome.

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Onto the Books

In my last letter I said I would tell you about a recent read I loved and then kind of left you hanging so I think its only fair that begin with that one. Tomorrow I Become A Woman by Aiwanose Odafen was a book I expected to like but ended up liking even more than I expected. If you follow me on Instagram you might’ve seen my post already but you can find it here if you missed it and want to know why I think it’s so worth reading. If you know anyone who has already read it, I’m sure they won’t mind any ranting messages you send their way as you make your way through it…

While I’m on the subject of 2022 debuts worth your attention, here’s an event to add to your calendars if you can make it.

I really enjoyed Hope & Glory by Jendella Benson when I read it earlier this year and if The Candid Book Club aren’t on your radar, you’re missing out! They read such a wide range of books there’ll no doubt be something to suit your taste and I’d definitely recommend catching one of their events if you can.

As for my current reads, these days I find myself carrying a stack from room to room so that I have easy access and plenty of choice should the reading mood strike. The stack looks a little different every day but I’ve definitely been leaning towards poetry even more recently and the collection I’ve been the most excited about has got to be Poetry Unbound: 50 Poems to Open Your World by Pádraig Ó’ Tuama.

Have you listened to the Poetry Unbound podcast? If not, please take this as a most serious recommendation. Now in its sixth season, in each episode, Pádraig Ó’Tuama takes a poem, reading it once before reflecting on its meaning, its form, its structure, word choices, societal and historical context, what it means to him and so much more. He has a remarkable and enviable way of understanding poetry, and he speaks of it, and to it, so confidently and with such reverence. He then closes out each episode with a second reading, allowing the listener to come at the poem again and meet the parts of it that didn’t exist to them the first time.

Poetry Unbound: 50 Poems to Open Your World is, essentially, the podcast in book form, which means that if you love poetry, you’ll get to read poems both familiar and new to you and then read Pádraig’s reflections on it; being a poet himself, these thoughts and considerations are so wonderfully articulated they feel like an added bonus. If you’re less sure about poetry, this format only serves to make these poems all the more accessible, eye opening, revealing, and less mysterious.

One more recommendation…

On the subject of reading (and writing), lately I’ve been really enjoying author, Huma Qureshi’s newsletter. You can find my reviews for Huma’s memoir, How We Met, here, and one for her short story collection, Things We Do Not Tell the People We Love, here but you can also sign up for her newsletter for more regular doses of her writing and I’d highly recommend it! You can also check out her new short story writing course, ‘Miniature Worlds: Writing Short Stories with Huma Qureshi’, which sounds absolutely amazing and is bound to be as amazing as it sounds.

I think I’ll leave it there for now but I hope to see you back here in the not too distant future. Keep well, rest well and read well in the meantime!

Speak soon,

Tasnim